I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
