I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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