I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
