I wish I could teleport
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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