Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
