I'm gonna have a badass scar
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize