I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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