I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Bring me that man meat
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
