party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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