i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
