I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Randomize
