Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My pussy is not your playground.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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