Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
