the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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