I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize