Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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