So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
