So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
