Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
