Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
