I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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