Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
