Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
