Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I've blown a few things in my day
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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