i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
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