So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
