to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
