How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
