Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
