I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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