On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
