she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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