then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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