he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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