I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
