weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So apparently I’m into choking now
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