and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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