For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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