Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Randomize
