My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
