well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize