i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
