Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
