textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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