How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
