The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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