fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
