i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
