Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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