I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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