I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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