a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
