i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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