just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
