I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
