I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
