So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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